This is A.J. Rathbun, reporting. A giant bottle of Haig scotch has been seen attacking buildings in the downtown of a major metropolitan area. It seems the bottle is about 50 feet tall, and full of scotch. No one has yet been hurt, but many are drunk, and productivity in this area in down. The bottle of Haig hasn’t been too specific about why it is attacking, what its aims are, and if any potential partners in destruction (a giant bottle of sweet vermouth, or a giant bottle of club soda, or gasp!, a giant collection of giant ice cubes, haven’t been sighted, but rumors are flying) are on the horizon, though it is mumbling about being “the most mixable, hoistable, and enjoyable taste in Scotch whisky, damnit.” Who will save this major metropolitan area? I’d say Iron Man, but dang, he’s already been fighting a bottle of Canadian whiskey, and from this picture, losing. Who can possibly defeat the giant bottle of Haig? Who?