April 27, 2010

Colt 45 Is Blowing My Mind

Okay, I don’t usually like to post two old booze ads in a row, but I could not skip this Colt 45 add, because it is one of the strangest I’ve ever seen. I did not cut it weirdly in photoshop, or leave anything out. It actually says “Introductory offer: try this completely unique experience and we will send you.” That’s just freaky to me. Send me where? Another dimension? Mars? To a ditch? To a place where miniature women’s heads float around Colt 45 cans? To the pokey (this is my real guess)? To Colt 45 land? On a trip inside my own consciousness? That latter idea is obviously what’s happened, but I’m interested in hearing if any other folks have thoughts? As a side note: I’ve consumed some Colt 45 in my time. Usually when I wanted to prove my gangster cred (of which I have none, really, but I thought Colt 45 was tough) or when it was the only option. So, I’m not coming down on it (completely). I am feeling mind-blown by their ad, though, so much so that I might need to drink some Colt 45 soon. Which means, I guess, that the ad works.


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April 20, 2010

Metaxa: Yummy, but Deadly

It’s not often (read that as: never) that I’ll try to shy someone away from trying a new type of booze or liqueur. Especially one that’s as good as Metaxa (which is a blend of brandy and wine and mythology). And I sure don’t want the ghost of Spyros Metaxas (he who created Metaxa) haunting me. But if Metaxa starts causing people to die or instantly pass out at the table, and then carom off of the sip of it into their dining companions, thereby ruining the date, then hey, maybe those sad people should stay away. Or, at least, don’t show up so drunk that you can’t enjoy the Metaxa, but just pass out into someone’s forehead as in the below. At least it’s a happy death/passing out (but why wouldn’t it be–by my count, they’ve emptied at least six different drinks). Looking at the smiles, I’m taking back my earlier warning. We’ve all got to go, so why not go with a grin and a good buzz brought on by intriguing Greek beverages?


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April 13, 2010

They Taste as Good as They Look (Awful)

Sometimes, an image just speaks for itself. Other times, there’s a rubber hand in the image, and it does the talking. On yet other times, there are two drinks that have colors you might expect to see if you hit your head on a rock—on Mars. On yet other times, you catalog bad ideas just by seeing them in print (Bacardi, a once brilliant brand, making premade cocktails that obviously must only be touched with fake hands). On yet other times, all of the above happens at once. It’s a wonder, to me, that the world didn’t implode. At least, as the ad says, “they taste like fresh tropical beauties should taste” on Mars. Well, that’s what they meant.

April 2, 2010

Early Times is Perfect for My Man

I’ve enjoyed some Early Times Kentucky bourbon in my time (as has Hoke Moseley, detailed below). But I’ve never received it “handsomely wrapped at no extra cost.” Which is probably why my eyes never went to the wacky angle like the lady’s below–looking directly at her man’s neck? Adam’s apple? She looks a little frightened too, right? There is fear in those eyes. Maybe she knows what Early Times does to her man? Or maybe she forgot to wash her hair this morning and is worried that he’s smelling it without having a drink first, ruining the Early Times’ bouquet? Or maybe (shudder to think) he’s giving her a bit of a spanking in the part of the photo we can’t see, because she was supposed to buy the Early Times yesterday and forgot? Did I take it too far? It is Friday, and something about this is eerie to me. Maybe I need some Early Times, is my problem. Or maybe the 50s weren’t all well-wrapped bourbon and flowers.

March 16, 2010

No Schlitz Makes Muffy Sad

Oh, poor pouty Muffy dear–she’s run out of the most delectable beer. Schlitz. I like Schlitz okay (though it’s harder to find these days, or at least hard for me, thank you very much WA state liquor board), and a nice American lager in the lighter style. And, it’s the “beer that made Milwaukee famous.” But no one likes Schlitz as well as Muffy in the below ad. Look how sad she is–you’d think someone just canceled her deb ball. She does have a cute pout though. And look at those nails! And the dress, with sparkles. Schlitz is much more of a playa beer if it’s pulling Muffy’s lush lower lip down. I think I’m gonna go track down some Schlitz. Right now. And then track down Muffy, and turn that frown upside down with the healing power of cheap beer.


March 12, 2010

Maker’s Mark: Not Just for Rich People Anymore

Make no mistakes ya mo’rons (I’m just saying “mo’rons” for alliteration by the way–I know you are Einsteins), I’m mad for Maker’s Mark bourbon. It’s an old standby for me, and something I consume on a regular basis, especially when in a dive-y lounge in the back of a Chinese restaurant you’d never eat in, or in a bar frequented by fishermen, or in a Karaoke dive that has a pirate theme. These are places I’m known and happy to be in, but not places where the bartender is gonna whip up some fancy cocktail–but where they will pour you a helluva stiff drink. In these spots, I usually head for the Maker’s and ginger ale (with a lime and some bitters when available), cause it’s a rock steady reliable consumable, or a nice Miller High Life (the Champagne of beers) and a little Maker’s on the rocks. Up until recently, I thought of Maker’s as the perfect mid-range bourbon, a longtime bourbon for the (drunken) people, a very democratic drink. And then I came across the below ad. I guess that I was wrong. Turns out Maker’s was at one time aimed at yachtsmen and fellas who think $50 isn’t much for a haircut. Thank gawd I was born once the bourbon market had found a lower level.

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February 16, 2010

When Flying Was Cool with Old Crow

Here’s the problem, today (one of many, but hey, I don’t have that much time, as drinks are waiting for me somewhere). You want to fly safely, and avoid dangerous situations, but you also want to bring your booze on the trip, because everything is better with it (even being stuck next to that smelly guy that has to lean on you in the crowded coach section). With that said, I think there should be an addendum in aviation security that allows you to carry on a suitcase with one of these genius flat Old Crow Traveler bottles built in (see below ad for example)–as long as you’ll take a drink from it before boarding. Of course, Old Crow will have to bring these (genius, again, I say) bottles. But we can start a petition. I know my pal Jeremy Holt (author of Double Take, the world’s best cookbook, by the way) is in. And my man Ed Skoog (author of Mister Skylight, the world’s best poetry collection). And my comrade Dr. Gonzo (writer and director of Battleship!Battleship!Battleship!, the world’s best film about competitive Battleship playing). All of who are travelers. What about you? Let’s get this airline party started, like in the below ad (which, to be nostalgic, points to a better time. For flying at least).

January 8, 2010

What Drugged-Out Androids Drink in Summer

It’s winter (at least within the latitudes I reside within), and I’m dreaming a bit of summer, of sitting outside with a cold, tall, delish beverage, far away from today’s actual chilliness. And when I dream of summer, I always like to wonder: what would androids in the future drink, if they had a head full of LSD and had been swimming? You, I’m guessing, wonder the same thing. Luckily, there’s a little pamphlet that was put out in 1976 called Summer Comfort that tells us: they drink Southern Comfort. If you don’t believe me, take a gander at the cover of said pamphlet below. Have you ever seen a better representation of drugged-up soaking wet androids? I didn’t think so.



PS: Because androids and their robot brethren and sisterthren bleed out milk, I’m guessing the actual drink from the pamphlet they’re most fond of is the “New! Cow Shot.” Which is 1-1/2 ounces Southern Comfort, 1/2 ounce crème de cacao, and 3 ounces cold milk over ice. It’s “superb, no bull!”

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